I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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