wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
