he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
