I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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