he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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