Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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