i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
