Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
