I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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