i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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