I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
