At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
