Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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