Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
