You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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