And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
