I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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