If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
