Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
