Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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