it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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