I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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