I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
