why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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