Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
