i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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