I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
