i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
