remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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