its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
