This is not my ceiling
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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