I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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