Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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