Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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