The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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