OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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