im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
