I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
