If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
