Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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