I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
They took my balls.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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