walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
