My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize