We won't sleep together?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
