one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
