I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
