True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
