just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And then my night got REAL pukey
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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