My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
even my farts smell like vagina
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize