Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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