When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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