Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Pants are for mortals
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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