Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
