Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
