There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
