did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
