wat bout pragnant strippers??
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
