just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
