so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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