you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
