dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
