My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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