My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
