Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
