you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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