I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
