Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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